Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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