Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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