New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Pants are for mortals
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
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