Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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