had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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