good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
