the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
