you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Randomize