There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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