i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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