I hate your face
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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