How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
