I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
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