i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
