i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
