I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
