My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
