her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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