OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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