It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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