After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
