My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
