Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
