I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
