umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
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