I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize