C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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