I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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