Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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