its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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