next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
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