my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
These tits shall not be calmed
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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