Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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