two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
