my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
