I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
