dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
