why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
