I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
