Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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