i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize