I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Randomize
