Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
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