i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Randomize
