i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
