So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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