theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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