My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
