Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
