There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
