It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
