2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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