Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
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