I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
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