I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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