I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
