He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I will be naked everywhere
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
