I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
