I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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