i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
