I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize