the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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