Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Randomize
