My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
