woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
