Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I'm getting married
To pizza
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
